down the rabbit hole

alright.

i'm gonna do it.

i am going to begin the evil and obsessive practice of charting and using a basal thermometer and probably even buy this guy:

(so cute! It should announce your results in a girly robot voice.)
i know the above may seem like overkill and i should just start with some charts on paper but that is NOT how i roll. i am a go-go-gadget-girl and i will find an excuse to buy any sort of electronic device (or robot) that you can imagine... and i want this one! i even discussed it with my husband ("P") and made him go look at the pee stick ovulation tests in the pharmacy and after making a plea about how expensive and wasteful they are he agreed that i could/should buy this thing. (eeeek -!!!) (!!!) (what will we call her? Patience? Faith? Bernice?)

i have also signed up at fertilityfriend.com thanks to MoDG and this post. i mean, GRAPHS AND CHARTS?! i loooove graphs and charts almost as much as robots! i am stoked, people - like, all caps S.T.O.K.E.D!

however, here is what i am unstoked about: once you officially start "trying" you are "trying" and i am really worried that i'll become obsessive and sad and that once i see all of the facts in front of me i'll no longer be able to brush off the fact that we are babyless - which up until now hasn't been a big deal but i'm a stubborn girl and i am used to working hard for what i want, not stopping til i get it, and feeling very justified and proud when i do. this will be a huge lesson in patience and humility for sure.

i went ahead and looked at the foster kids for adoption in our state and teared up. i am such an asshole for wanting to have my own kid when so many others desperately need homes.... don't argue with me - it's truth. (I am arguing with you, because this is totally untrue. And the Internet is here to protect me.)

selfish.selfish.selfish.

and who knows, maybe that's what we'll end up doing. maybe i'll have a 12 yr. old next year... but i'm getting ahead of myself... (sorry, as I know it's for serious and not funny, but that is a really funny mental image.)

for now, charts and graphs and robots.

for later, consider other options.

for never (?), obsessing, crying, pity.

(for always: me, you, cheese, and wine [and whine and cheesiness]. xo-L)

-- shirley