'ello, loves.

Right. Just popping in to share the fabulously-cheekboned, famous British versions of Shirley & me.

More cuteness at the ever fab Project Rungay.

p.s.: If you make us cross, then we look like this:

So let me just start this post by admitting I know these feelings are totally selfish and self-centered (which is, hello, part of my arguement for why I shouldn't be reproducing yet/ever), but a big part of my baby apprehension is straight up fear and grossness. It's easy for me to get caught up thinking of baby girl pigtails and hot pink tights with Mary Janes or little boys in cowboy boots, but anytime someone starts in on gross things happening to the waist-al area, I am ready to tuck and run.

It's not that I didn't know gross beautiful things happen, but after watching this movie with Shirley, and then reading this post from the great MODG, I am extra-super-terrified. For like, five minutes, the Ricki Lake movie made me want to give birth in a kiddie pool in Shirley's back yard (she has an awesome set up, that one) with puppies and rainbows with only a Skittle sugar high to buffer the pain, but then I reverted back to my Betty Draper, wake-me-when-it's-over fantasy. Maybe. Probably. Sorry, Shirley.

sweet dreams

so i stalk the fertility friend message boards regularly, and most of it is just tiresome to read. mostly people ask for other people to look at their charts and give them some glimmer of hope that they could be pregnant and the other folks seem to ask run-of-the-mill questions that they could just as soon google or read about in any fertility book ever made.

i digress.

the other day a gal posted about a dream she had that really was nice and a good thing to remember for anyone TTC. here's a bit of what she wrote:

[ I realized for me the most difficult part is people’s attempts to be supportive that just aren’t what I need to hear. You know the “you need to relax.” Or ““someone I know knows someone who….. And the end is they got pregnant without trying, timing, or taking medication.”

So this morning I woke and remembered my dream from last night. All these people in my life who are helpful and loving people came up to me and started to give me all this advice. In the dream I put a huge sticker over their mouths that read, “I care about you and I am trying to help.” Then I could just ignore what they were actually saying and read the message. Then for each person I hugged them and thanked them for their caring. The next thing was that all the women I know who have gotten pregnant since I’ve been trying came around with their big bellies. As I started to feel jealous and envious, I put a sticker on their tummies that read, “This is not the last baby, and yours is still waiting.” Then I had this new ability to be happy for them and not be so consumed with my own feelings.]

Long time, no Laverne

What have I been doing since we last spoke, kittens? Why, buffing my nails, lazing about, and stuffing myself silly with beer and pizza, enjoying the selfish spoils of a child-free (is that term designed to make you feel guilty, or is it just me?) existence.

I'm only partially kidding (the beer and pizza thing is oh so true). Work is getting hectic (in both good and bad ways), husband's schedule is constantly taking him out of town again, and two friends are about to get hitched--which means there have been 80 billion eating parties. But life is good. When it comes to the Baby War, I am still the scared foil to the excited Shirley. But I am rooting for her with the strength of 1,000 openly laboring Ricki Lakes.

I have been reading a pretty interesting book, y'all. I can't remember where I first heard about it, but it's a collection of essays from Salon.com debating the shoulds/shouldn'ts of parenthood. The first section is the firm "nos," the middle is the waverers, and the end (which I just started) is the eventual yesses. There are some pretty intelligent folk here saying some pretty ballsy things--things that I felt guilty for thinking and placing in the "reasons not to do this" category. Nothing is changing my mind at this point--I'm fickle, sure, but not that fickle--but it feels good to know I'm not alone in this estrogen-centric world.

Check it out (literally. The liberries need your help) and let me know what you think:

Maybe Baby: 28 Writers Tell the Truth About Skepticism, Infertility, Baby Lust, Childlessness, Ambivalence, and How They Made the Biggest Decision of Their Lives - by Lori Leibovich

sorry for the break....

i got distracted.

i know i should really work on a better excuse than that but there you go.

life has been chugging along as usual lately... my job has introduced me to some new crazy people and some new lovely people... my hubs has been sweeter and sweeter every day which makes the babymakin' efforts much more enjoyable all around (not that he's ever really not sweet, but i guess i've just been sweeter!)... and the temperature outside feels like fall is coming which always makes me giddy.

as you can see from the previous post i got quite worked up with the charting and made myself a little manic about the whole thing. so this month i did the opposite and got super lazy. some days i could barely remember to take my temp and other days i could hardly force myself to type it in. i guess i just came to the conclusion that it's going to be a long journey so i better settle down and mellow out as to not drive myself and everyone else crazy.

well, that would be all good and well but look at what's happened as a result:

DOTTED CROSSHAIRS! bloody hell.

that means that i don't have sufficient data for FF to be certain of my ovulation date and so these crosshairs are just a guess... a guess! i mean, it looks like a pretty good guess and it's the one i would've made myself given my history of ovulation timing, but i don't like ambiguity on my charts.

i guess it's just another life lesson in balance. i feel pretty strongly that i'm not jinxing anything to say this, but next month i'm going to be a little more on top of things and record my temps and my CM but try to do it in a relaxed way.

how hard can that be, right?!

ha.

When I see your dotted crosshairs, this is all I can think about (tip of the day: do NOT Google image search "hunting rabbits." You will barf. And then you will cry):

oh god! now i want nothing else than to google that term just because you told me not to.......

again with the crazy....

i'm so sorry. i know it's probably boring to anyone else but me but i am CONSUMED with thoughts of pregnancy and have an addiction to staring at my chart and comparing it to other people's charts - it's a problem and i think i may need a support group.

hi, my name is shirley and i am a chart addict. (hi, shirley.)...... sigh.

so here's the deal. my chart is looking **good** -- like we did the deed when we were supposed to and my temps are high and as of today my chart almost leads me to believe it's triphasic (!!!) and when i compare it to other charts that end in pregnancy my heart flutters.

for example:

my line is the purple one and the mysterious pregnant girls whose charts these are have the green line

see what i mean?! one would think that i am right on track to pee on a stick and get a positive result. well...

i did and i didn't.

and yes, it's early still (early like "i'm a fool for wasting that test" early) but i can't help myself!

here's the real kicker: i have no symptoms. none. zip. zilch.

well, that's not entirely true. i have had freaky dreams and some weird cramping in my uterine area. i'm eating everything in sight and taking naps. but in all honesty, those last two are just an everyday occurrence for me! oh, and i did freak out and cry a lot yesterday... but i think that was reasonable with all of the pressure i've been under with 5 new clients trying to get in on my schedule in the past week and my mom & sister just now telling me my niece's 3rd birthday party is this weekend when i've already promised myself to a friend's bday celebration on the same day... i feel like such a bad auntie :(

anyway, i just need to chill. why don't they make chill pills!?! oh wait, they do and they're called valium and i won't go near them! so i'm off to take another nap and stuff my face and wait anxiously to go to bed tonight so i can wake up tomorrow and check my temp. and i swear to god, if it continues to rise there will be no home pregnancy test that will be safe from me peeing on it!

this is going to get expensive.

ps - that evil bitch, fertilityfriend.com, has added unnecessary fuel to the fire by telling me that if i am by some long shot preggers then my due date is my birthday. bitches.

Confidential to Shirley:

Do you think this should happen to my hair? ChiRi and I both have giant faces. Love the color, too.

http://www.haironthebrain.com/2010/08/christinas-bob/

(she's all, like, whatevs)

me thinks this would be most adorable on you... but are you also talking about growing out le bangs? i think it's best without them quite frankly... cause with the bangs straight across and the short bob-ness you (meaning most folks) run the risk of looking pie-faced if you add too much volume to the cut and then shorten your face by having bangs take up your forehead.

see how even reese sweeps them to the side. (is it just me or doesn't she look like she's listening to the schizo voice inside her head here and plotting to kill us all with a smile?!)

also note that ChiRi has her's curled at the bottom so it's not actually as short as it appears in this photo - so make sure your stylist knows which length you are actually asking for (pre-curl or post-curl).
and yes, the color of ChiRi's hair is lovely - lighter than yours but not washed out. keep in mind this would maybe require more than just highlights to achieve the overall look so it might get expensive.
i say go with the cut first and then color later.
hope i've helped, L!

Shark week

Let's cut the shit, ladies. I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is how I am feeling today:

But it's not your fault, y'all. Just wallowing in my grumpy PMSness, which has been really weird this month. I didn't actually get into the game until yesterday, but last week was spent with severe headaches and sadness--a whole week early. This week (up until today, obvs) has been puppies and rainbows and smugly healthful eating. Today there needs to be pizzas, purple couches, and Real Housewives. Instead there may be coworker facemurder.

See, there's this big project that I've been working on for 9 months. It's my work baby. My work baby with fetal alcohol system and an extra 10 lbs brought on my stress eating/research. Work baby is in the final stages of labor right now, but it's not a peaceful home birth with tubs and yoga balls. It's a mother-effing, worn-off-epidural having, cuss word screaming, annoyance fest. And the end results look like it took someone 5 minutes to throw together. But it's almost done, which means I'll have to find something else to complain about. -- L

why am i crazy all the time?!

i have guests coming to stay with me from out of town and i'm excited and stressed. we moved into our house a year ago and there is still so much i want and need to do to it. i know that just like our bodies, we ladies can also be hyper-critical of our homes - we see all of the little imperfections that no one else notices....except if you are like me, you have the annoying habit of pointing them out and apologizing for them which only makes them more apparent.

ME: look at my giant zit! omg! don't look in the fridge, i need to clean it out! ugh! my cuticles are so gross! i was going to paint this bathroom before you got here but i didn't have time so forgive me! (and on, and on, and on.....)

so even though my guests are my childhood friend and her girlfriend who are moving cross country and will probably just be excited to have a bed to sleep in and take a load off, i have been freaking the eff out and painting and rearranging and scurrying around like a squirrel on meth. today i attempted to paint the tiny little half bath that no one even goes in and while my friends are here they probably will only glance in when i give the initial house tour - this makes sense right?! a totally appropriate use of my time and energy?!

no.

and here's the kicker. i did it (for the most part - it still needs a second coat) and i don't like it.

so will i leave it? let it be until next week when i have more time to reassess and repaint?

no.

tomorrow i will freak out and go to home depot and in my limited time between appointments i will attempt to paint a bathroom no one ever uses.

god help me.

How do I love Shirley? Let me count the ways

It's not been the best week for our girl Shirley, so let's lift her up in praise (as the crazies say down here). When I saw these, I wanted to immediately rush out and get us matching ones...how cute are they?

[nouveau friendship bracelets from J Crew]

...until I saw that they start at $130 and realized we could A) make them ourselves for like, $0.43, and B) I've spent $400 at the vet on the World's Best Cat in the past month (and $200 on the world's best phone) [Jesus. Need to stop spending money.] So maybe what we really need is this:

or this:

Here are today's three reasons why I admire Shirley, the jelly to my (crunchy) peanut butter:

1) she nursed me through a really bad breakup with my now husband. It was 2000, I was 21, and the world was ending. Thanks to Shirley, matte burgundy lipstick, Bjork, the shores of Lake Michigan, and enough wine that would kill my now 31 3/4-year old body.

2) she has not let a sometimes-not-happy start in life get in her way. She is a joyous, grateful, silly, fun, loving person. Same goes for her man-partner in crime. It can happen.

3) she has the best sense of style of anyone--even stupid Pomeranian Anna Wintour. Example: You could see S wearing a space helmet and be all like, "WTF, space helmets??" And then you'll see shitty knock off space helmets at Target in 9 months. S knows what's going to happen before it happens. And she looks good while it happens. She is the Miss Cleo of fashion trends. Respect.

THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU TOO LAVERNE!