give it to me NYMag

I'm sitting in the coffee shop getting ready to read this article:

Let's see how this goes.

-- Shirley

-- Post From My iPhone

S: What did you think? I read it when it first came out, and it definitely didn't send my ovaries singing. It seemed to mainly argue just one side, but it certianly didn't help my wavering. Here it is online. Would love if some mamas could weigh in: http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/ - xo, L

I had read the book they referred to in the article (Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert) and was prepared for the argument against parenthood, so to speak, and so I wasn't surprised. I actually had an interesting conversation along these lines with our guy friend who swears he is never going to reproduce and I too called on that book but in a much different way. The book basically comes to the conclusion that we (humans) are terrible at foreseeing what will actually make us happy and that the best way to choose happiness is to actually take the input of others and their experiences into account -- the #1 reason we don't do this is because we all believe that we are somehow special and that we will surely make better decisions than others. So when the dude and I were having this conversation I gave the argument that I don't know a single parent who would tell me that they wish they had never had their children... and since we already know what a childless life looks and feels like but we won't know what a life with children would look like until we tried it for ourselves we would just have to take their word for it and trust that it is indeed the miraculous, wonderful, growing, enlightening experience everyone exclaims... otherwise we run the risk of being arrogant, and possibly naive enough, to call all of those people we love and know (and maybe even admire) either bold faced liars or imply they are just plain dumb.

so I think I want to do it and yet I am still holding onto the notion that the majority of parents I see today ARE "wrong"... here I sit still convinced that I/we can do it *better*! I am not ready to give up the idea that my sweet, patient husband and I can make a happy life with a happy child. I'm not ready to buy into the idea that parenthood will suck the life out of us or our marriage. I simply think that it will be comparing apples and oranges. How can one expect a new life with a new person in it to be measured by the old life with just the two of us running around doing whatever we want, whenever we want?! it's ludicrous!

(ahhh, luda!)

Isn't the whole point of choosing to change your life actually changing your life?! I wouldn't expect it to be the same and I wouldn't expect the happiness to look or feel the same.

Contrary to the title of the article, I think we could love a child AND love our lives.

Here are the three top reasons why:

- Our marriage is strong and we are happy, actually HAPPY people. I bet if you asked those same parents polled in the article if they were essentially happy people before they ever had children you might just find that those who were unhappy before were unhappy after and that you'd also uncover that they held some glimmer of hope that their kids would make them happy... or complete... or even popular... or more interesting... or just normal in some way. I don't think we are lacking anything in our lives but I do think we have a lot to give.

- I have absolutely zero desire to "do it right"... I could give a fuck about the stressors most parents seem to place on themselves or their children (via the article: "As we gained in prosperity, childhood came increasingly to be viewed as a protected, priviledged time, and once college degrees became essential to getting ahead, children became not only a great expense but subjects to be sculpted, stimulated, instructed, groomed.") Two words: fuck. that.

- If we choose to have children, it will be that: a choice. We won't feel put upon by a life that chooses us but rather empowered by a life we choose for ourselves. I feel smarter now than ever and I am glad I am in my thirties and know myself well enough to know my strengths and weaknesses. I think that being your own person and knowing yourself is a huge advantage in parenting...

but what do I know - I'm not a parent.

S: Holy shit, sister. You're even more of a genius than I thought. And I'm such a flip flopper on this thing that I should have my ovaries locked up. xo, L